You lot are a bunch of sadistic bastards.

You get some sick sort of schadenfreude from watching me read these books, don't you?  

50 Shades Freed. 

This is me, weighing the pros and cons of throwing my e-reader against the wall. 

I’ve now made it through the entire series, and I can say with glee that it is finally OVER. I don’t have to read about Christian’s angst-filled Freudian psychosis, or Anastasia’s constant doubt of herself. I can go back to reading things that aren’t secret porn for lonely housewives.

Remember the somewhat good vibes I was giving about 50 shades darker, with it’s tolerable plot (surprisingly) and intriguing character development? Yeah, 50 Shades Freed totally ruined all of that.

The first book explored Anastasia’s sexuality, making it intriguing. The second book explored Christian’s mental damages, making it even more intriguing. The third book explored… what it’s like to be married to a rich guy.

Not even kidding.

The entire plot is based on the fact that Anastasia and Christian are newlyweds and she’s not used to having billions of dollars at her disposal. He buys her a house, a few cars, a wardrobe that’s contents probably could feed a 3^rd world country, and of course, her own publishing company.

Oh and then she gets pregnant by accident. And Christian freaks out.

I’m sorry, I’m not even really trying anymore. This last book took all of my wittiness away with it’s horrible plot. I mean, she seriously spends a chapter lamenting about how unfortunate it is that her husband spends money on her, and that she has to become accustomed to this new lifestyle.

Boo-freaking-hoo.

Wanna send some of those money my way so I can pay for college? You can keep the kinky sex with a psychopath. I just want a few thousand dollars. Probably about the amount you spent on that bikini you wore on the south of France during your holiday. That’d probably do.

Or the $30,000 he spent on a bracelet you didn’t need so he could hide the handcuff marks.

Or maybe the Audi R8 he bought for your birthday, because in passing you mentioned you liked it. Which you never drive anyway. 

You know, I bet if you just gave me one of those cocktail dresses your personal shopper picked out for you, I could sell it for enough to cover my tuition.

I’m a broke college student, thus I’m angsty about the source of your angst, Anastasia Grey. Even if you’re a fictional character designed to help an entire population of under-sexxed women life out their fantasies vicariously through you.

The sex is mindblowing? Good for you. The man you’re married to is gorgeous? Congrats. You just inherited several billion dollars without a prenup? Great!

STOP FUCKING COMPLAINING ABOUT IT.

That’s all I’ve got for this book. I can’t even muster up the effort to berate it, because it’s that bad.

I do have to commend it for giving a definite end to the series. They have kids, move into a picturesque house, catch the dude stalking Christian because they were in the same foster home as kids, or something like that. No cliff hangers, no “Coming next fall, 50 Shades Domestic.”

Except the promise of a film version of this book. I honestly have no idea how they’re going to pull that off with less than an R rating. Hell, if they were faithful to the book in anyway, they might as well just release it on pornhub, or something similar.

I’m done. I made it.

Promise kept.