A feminist pseudointellectual attempts to tackle the BDSM fantasy series sweeping the bestseller’s list.

50 Shades of Grey

Here it goes... 

This book is complete fantasy. Now, when I write that word, I’m not alluding to the usual definition of it in literature. I’m not talking about fairies, dragons, and other mystical beings creating a fantastical world of magic. I’m talking about dirty, fantasies. The type that most people keep holed up in their diaries with little padlocks on them. The type of fantasies that most people keep under their sheets and in their minds. I feel absolutely dirty reading this book, because it’s not my fantasy at all. I’m intruding on someone else’s dirty fetishes and trying to connect with a character that wants them.


I should start off by explaining one of my biggest pet peeves in literature. I’m serious, if I were to keep a list of such things; this one would be at the top, underlined in red and starred. I absolutely hate it when a female author writes in first-person with a vaguely plain character.


This device has previously been used in another inexplicably best-selling series, Twilight. To me, when someone writes this way, they do it intentionally. In first person, so they can step into the shoes of the character they’ve created and live out their fantasies that way, and with a vague character so any of their readers can do the same.


The first two lines of this book told me that this writing style was in full effect. I’m convinced that when a romance novel does very well, it is always written in this style and the hoards of under stimulated housewives eat out of the author’s hands while they fantasize about being the main character.


The worst part, by far, is that even with the character being vaguely described and essentially an empty shell for a reader to step into, I find that I do.


The main character, Anastasia, is a early-twenties English major, whose roommate is a journalism major and the editor of the university’s paper. She drives a blue, classic volkwagen beetle named Wanda. She has an affinity for classic literature and quotes Shakespeare, the Brönte sisters, and Jane Austen; even more obscure references, like Tess of the d'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy, which I must admit parallels the story all too well.


For those of you reading who haven’t quite caught the gist of this allegory, let me explain a little bit about myself. I am in my early twenties, I am the editor of a paper, I was a journalism and mass media major, and I have a beautiful ’71 Volkwagen Beetle I’ve affectionately named “Freddie.” Get it now? It only became creepier as time went on, and she ended up applying for a copy editing internship, an experience I have lived.


Even if our personalities are completely dissimilar, by some fluke, I picked up this book to review and found that the author had picked oddly specific characteristics that fit all-too-well with my current status quo.


And then the freaky stuff starts to happen.


My first impression of this book, even when I was only 50 pages in, was that it was mash up of Twilight and American Psycho. The main character, Anastasia Steele, bares an uncanny resemblance both in appearance and demeanor, to one Bella Swan. The love-interest, Christian Grey, is an obvious portmanteau of Edward Cullen and Patrick Bateman.


In fact, I even found myself seeing the character as a doppelgänger of Bateman, from the fact that he was a wealthy, attractive, twenty-something CEO, to his immaculate apartment, polite demeanor on the outside, and even down to the part that he was an empty shell of a human being, incapable of human emotions.


The only thing missing was the bloodshed, which by the middle of the book, I was really hoping he would just snap, put on some Huey Lewis and the News, and kill the object of his affections with an axe.


Here’s the rundown of the plot. Ana Steele steps in for her journalism major roommate to interview the very important CEO of Grey Enterprises Holding Inc., Christian Grey. She makes an absolute fool out of herself, asks him if he’s gay, and stumbles around a bit. Instantly, she’s attracted to him. He starts showing up in random places, doing absolutely nothing of importance, but making her absolutely infatuated with him just by being gorgeous. Within a week of knowing him, they go on a first date and her clumsiness leads to an almost-kiss. He tells her to stay away from him, that he’s not the one for her. That he’s dangerous. Etc. See a familiar pattern?


After that, it spirals into the weirdest sex fantasy I’ve ever read. Grey asks her to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement before showing her his “Play room,” something likened to a sterile version of a 17th century torture room, complete with whips, chains, shackles, and other seemingly sado-masochistic fixtures.


Turns out that prince charming is secretly a dominant sadist, and the only form of relationship he has involves his female friend being completely and totally submissive to him.


The rest of the book devolves into a LOT of sex. Some of it vanilla, most of it otherwise. The dramatic tension comes from this otherwise independent young woman deciding whether or not she can be a submissive slave to the man who has captured her attention and opened her eyes to a world of sexuality.


I seriously couldn’t stop laughing.


The moods of the main characters switch so quickly. Ana goes from being frustrated with Christian, to angry, to being in love with him, to offended, to being bend over a leather couch with a tie on her wrists being taken roughly from behind. Seriously.


I seriously lost count of how many times the two characters randomly have sex. And I mean randomly. They could have just had sex two pages ago and are in the middle of a deep discussion about their future. Then Ana bites her lip, Christian can’t control himself, and they end up doing it on his desk.


Ana sends him a joking e-mail about the fact that she’s leaving him? He shows up ten minutes later at her door, blindfolds her and fucks her. That. Quickly.


It’s almost as if the author decided to write a lot of porn, then had to come up with a plot to go in between the sex scenes.


As for the emotional plot, most of it deals with how damaged Christian is. He doesn’t like to be touched, he doesn’t like to be defied, he doesn’t like to not get his way, he doesn’t like to sleep with someone else, and he can’t stand it when Ana doesn’t finish all of the food on her plate.


From what I gathered, this is all a product of his formative years. He was born to a crack whore, probably went hungry most of those first four years, and was probably burned with cigarettes. He was adopted by a new family and set off becoming perfect. Oh, and then when he was 15, his mother’s 40-year-old friend turned him into a submissive in a six-year-long relationship.


The very title of this book is a reference to what Christian says to Ana when she questions this: “Because I’m 50 shades of fucked up.”


Well, I couldn’t agree more, Mr. Grey.


I’ve alluded before that the main characters remind me of the two fang-crossed lovers from Twilight. I will give this book credit in at least one place. Mrs. Jones is much better than Mrs. Meyer at describing a relationship where there is a reason to stay in it. Take away all the BDSM, the emotionally fucked-up male, and the ridiculous scenario, and the exchanges between the two show why they might actually be good together. The dialog is surprisingly witty, and they have obvious chemistry- both of which are missing from Mrs. Meyer’s vampire romance novel.


Immediately after finishing the book, I decided to research it. I had had literally no exposure to the book before I pressed the download button on my nook. I’d had about half a dozen people tell me to try it, seen it on the bestseller list, and knew it had something to do with BDSM.


The first thing I found out was that this book was originally written as fanfiction. Can you guess which series? That’s right. Twilight. The author wrote most of the sex scenes as something that would happen between Bella and Edward in an alternate universe. The first draft didn’t even change the names of the characters. It was actually removed from a fanfiction website for being “Too sexual.” So the author rehosted it on her own website. She took it down for a little while while negotiating the publishing rights. They changed the names of the characters,  wrote a little bit of plot to go in between the sex scenes, and released “50 Shades of Grey.”


I’m not making this up.


So, my first impression of the book was pretty spot on. I mean, even some of the plot points are directly pulled from Twilight. Buying a car for her to replace her “rust bucket?” Check. Multicultural best friend who tries to vie for her affections? Check. Researching the dark secret of the love interest? Check. Being the first real “love interest” of the main character? Check. “Breaking the rules of the relationship?” Check.


So, what about the fact that I also got some serious American Psycho vibes from my first impression of the book? Well, guess what? They’re currently in talks to turn the series into a movie franchise. And who are they considering for the screenwriter? None other than Bret Easton Ellis, the original author of American Psycho.


After discovering all of these facts, I relayed my absolute exasperation to my boyfriend, questioning what the hell women of America were thinking then they started buying this book en masse and turning it into an un-ignorable phenomenon.


Me: “Oh my god, there’s still two more books in the series…”


Him: “DON'T DO THIS TO YOURSELF ANOTHER TWO TIMES.”


But apparently, I didn’t listen. I just pressed the “download” button on my trusty nook for “50 Shades Darker.” I promised I would try to make it through the series, and I’m a woman of my word.